stardiving | IC Inbox (Victory Road)

G'rhyf, to be exact.

[Some part of him thinks to be spiteful, to point out that at least he has been fully honest, but he swallows it down just as soon as it arises. Estinien is right that he's worked himself into a state -- lashing out was hardly appropriate, especially not toward a friend.]

And so you gave your life as well, to pave the way forward for the rest. [It sounds familiar, the conclusion of the Dragonsong War played once again.] You ought to have told me, Estinien. Had I known you had borne such a burden, I...

[What? Would have worked himself into an equivalent state? He can already hear the dry response from his friend in his head.]

Does it still weigh on you, what happened? To lose your life, however impermanent... I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been.

[He nods. He's not mad about it either--again, he knew it would come out sooner or later.]

I did.

[He looks Aymeric straight in the eyes, with no hesitation at all.]

And I would do so again, because the alternative would be unthinkable. They would have perished otherwise. You would have perished otherwise, and everyone else on Etheirys as well. If there was another way, we had not the time to find it. You would have done the same thing, were our roles reversed, and don't think to deny it.

[Aymeric holds that gaze, even as his palms itch to reach out and hold Estinien himself. Anything to assure himself that Estinien is both alive and well. He'd swallowed a similar urge while the dragoon had been in repose, following his rescue.

Never mind the fact that he had failed to suppress the desire once or twice.]

I would not deny it. Cannot.

[It doesn't make the ache any less severe, though. Why he feels like a grieving maiden over something that had not even come to pass, he cannot say. But he doesn't need knowledge to feel it like a knife between the ribs, something he's all too familiar with.]

But why not tell me?

[He doesn't think to lie about it--no reason to. With a sigh:]

Because I suspected this would be your reaction. I did not wish for you to
worry about something that had already happened, not when there was nothing that could be done to prevent it and it was undone anyway.

And yet in doing so, you have denied me one of the duties I hold to be most important.

[He takes a moment, drawing in a breath to steady himself. Now isn't the time to lose himself in grief, or to be frustrated over Estinien seeking to protect him. These decisions have been made, and it has ever been his philosophy to move forward.

He reaches out, bracing a hand against the dragoon's shoulder. He fixes a stern, if sympathetic, look upon him.]

I have ever followed in your wake, Estinien Varlineau. To ensure your safety, first and foremost, and to look after you should I fail in that much. I may not be able to prioritize it as I once was able, but know that it has ever maintained an important place within my heart.

I see this as no exception. I may not have been able to stand at your side in that place, my duty may have required me to be elsewhere, but I should at least be allowed to fulfill my duty in ensuring you are fit to continue on.

[Estinien could argue til he's blue in the face that he is nowhere near as important as Aymeric. It's not a case of him having low self-esteem, he doesn't think--he's the former Azure Dragoon, now little more than a mercenary, the son of a shepherd, and his spear is not so vital to Ishgard's future as Aymeric's silver tongue. That's all.

And it's true--their friendship had been formed by Aymeric following in his wake, pulling him out of the fire--quite literally. Even after their paths diverged and Aymeric couldn't be actually at his back, he'd always kept Estinien out of what trouble he could--and Estinien had never shied away from trouble. Not on his own account, and not on Aymeric's either.

It's honestly a shock looking back that he didn't get them both dragged up in front of the inquisition in his single-mindedness.

He reaches up and across with his other hand, it coming to rest over Aymeric's wrist.]

I am fine. Truly.

[He doesn't try to quantify that at all, but he does look directly into Aymeric's eyes as he says it, hoping that the honest answer is fully conveyed, because he does mean it.]

Edited 2022-03-13 09:41 (UTC)

[Aymeric knows a great many things about Estinien. One of the most important things he's learned is that, despite what are allegedly his best efforts, Estinien cannot lie. And while the man has clearly grown beyond the single-minded knight who he'd chased down and dragged from a dragon's maw, Aymeric is largely certain that this much has not changed.

Especially not when they are so close, nor when they hold one another's gaze.

Estinien says he is fine, and so he'll believe it. It might not make sense to Aymeric (he can hardly imagine being better after suffering that sort of trauma), but he knows he can trust in his companion's word.

Finally, he nods, while the hand against his shoulder tightens. He may not need it, but Estinien will at least have to suffer one last reminder that Aymeric is there for him. And that includes being fixed with a warm, if teasing, smile.]

And there is nothing else you have omitted from your tale?

No. As far as I am aware, it was but a moment.

[He'd had no idea when the cyclone sprung up around him that he'd be brought back, but despite the brief flash of fear, the regret that he was dying--being scattered to the literal wind--out there without being able to say anything to those he cared about...well, it hadn't hurt. It was for a reason, and a good one. A better death than he'd thought he'd ever get.

He lets out a little huff of breath. He'd spoken with Alberic, got his mind straight to do so regarding his relationship with his adopted father and mentor, but he hadn't with Aymeric. He'd wanted to, but the moment his boots touched the stones of the Steps of Faith he'd lost his nerve--not because he feared the idea of talking to Aymeric, but because he could still faintly smell acrid smoke on the air, see where his--where Nidhogg's claws had left furrows in the stone, and then someone working to clear the rubble away had turned to look at him and that had been that. There isn't that barrier now to get in the way, and he finds that once the words start slowly dragging from him, he can't stop them, and he can't look away.]

I returned and spoke with Alberic, after. I'd meant to come to you next, for the only regret I'd had was leaving things unsaid. I couldn't cross the Steps. All I could think of was the screams of dying knights, the smell of dragonfire, the feel of stone gouging under my claws, and how satisfied Nidhogg was, how determined that this time he would not stop until Foundation was seared to its bones and the Pillars toppled. He was searching for you on the field, for he knew if he killed you, what scraps of resolve, of self I had left would shatter.

I've spent years wondering why you were so determined to be my friend, for Fury knows I've not done much to repay your efforts. Despite that, my only regret was that I would not be able to tell you directly that you are the most important person in the world to me, and if it weren't for your steady presence, I'd have given up years ago.

[There are many things Aymeric has come to accept about his friendship with Estinien. The most important of these assertions was that, for all of his grousing, it was not a begrudging relationship between them. There was a mutual camaraderie there, even if the dragoon might have been hard-pressed to vocalize it. He was a man of action, and instead showed appreciation by fighting at his side. It had been no surprise when both he and Lucia had arrived at the Vault, pulling him free from the horrific bonds he'd found himself in.

Yet few are the times that Estinien has ever underscored the value of Aymeric's presence verbally. And though he might seem, for all the world, a man of resolve and confidence, Aymeric had ever been gripped by his own doubts. It was not hard to wonder if he went too far in his efforts to care for the man. Worse over, he still harbored the doubt and guilt that had stemmed from the arrow he had fired, worried that such a moment had cast a shadow on their friendship.

In this single moment, as Estinien speaks, he knows he's doubted for nothing. That despite it all, there was still a deep seated faith placed within Aymeric. He can't say that he believes it to be a valid one, but no longer does he need to question the fact that it's there.

The hand upon Estinien's shoulder does not shift. Instead, he redoubles the effort by allowing his fingers to once again wrapping around the man's forearm, a gesture that has become almost too common between them. They both know what lies beneath that fabric, of the eternal marks that would forever remind them of what had come to pass. For the moment, words fail him, or perhaps he seeks simply to not cheapen this fragile silence with something that surely could not compare to his dearest friend's declaration. But he can remind him, at least, that Estinien had overcome the beast that had taken hold of him. That though said scars might linger upon his skin, Aymeric yet lingered by his side -- just as persistent.

Yet, even as he thinks this, Aymeric knows there is no room for doubt, not now. And though any words he can think of seem like little more than platitudes, he still speaks them all the same.]

There has been no greater honor bestowed upon me than that of your friendship, Estinien. Full glad am I to know that my efforts have never been for naught. Whether it be at the far reaches of our Star, or beyond the stars themselves, my most sacred of duties has ere been to bolster your efforts by standing at your side, literally or otherwise.

[The smile Aymeric offers is soft, a touch hesitant even.]

I should... hope there is no doubt that the feeling is mutual?

[Aymeric deserved so much better than what scraps Estinien has been able to muster over the years. It's not that he doesn't care--he does, deeply. But he had never been particularly prone to verbal shows of affection and camaraderie, seeing as how you could be pardoned thinking sometimes that he couldn't speak at all.

In fact, it seems that he's exhausted his ability to voice his emotions, for he simply offers a small smile of his own and a shake of his head.]

No doubt at all.

[Estinien has said enough -- far more than Aymeric would have expected, and certainly more than he needed. The smile he wears broadens, now tinged with relief that he hasn't somehow chased the man off for all his fretting and fussing. He offers one last squeeze, before finally releasing him.]

If I may ask just one favor, for all of this? The next time you do decide to tempt fate, at least let me be there by your side to keep you from going too far on your lonesome. I am beginning to lose track of all the times you have gotten up to no good without me to reign you in.

[Judging by the faint crinkle to the corners of his eyes, he's being playful, rather than serious. He knows that it's a hefty ask, for one, and he would never dream of tethering Estinien down if not to one place, than to one person.]

Please, as if you wouldn't be getting up to no good right along with me.

[He knows he's not the only one here capable of impulsively putting himself into mortal danger, Aymeric.]

But try not to worry, I do not intend to find myself in Halone's halls anytime soon.

The Lord Commander? Getting up to no good?

[It feels good to laugh, so laugh he does. Despite the circumstance, he finds that he feels incredibly warm. Maybe it's the fact that Estinien has so boldly affirmed their bond. Or perhaps it's just profound relief to know that he and everyone else had come through okay.]

I should hope not. It would not do for me to have to quarrel with the Fury herself in an an attempt to drag you back.

Perhaps not the Lord Commander, if only because Lucia keeps you in line, but Aymeric de Borel? Absolutely.

[He shakes his head--of course Aymeric would say that, and Estinien is sure if anyone could find a way to manage it it's him.]

I brought back something I think you'd like, if you've any appetite.

I'll not have you spreading such slanderous rumors about me, Ser Dragoon.

[His eyes still dance with that lighthearted joy, even as he tilts his head just so. There's a faint thrill that runs through him, silly though it is. He's certain that Estinien has thought about him plenty from time to time -- it hardly seems special for it to have occurred yet again. Yet the fact that even away, his companion's thoughts had drifted to him?

It feels good, in ways he doesn't care to place.]

In my years, I have found that fretting takes up quite the amount of energy. [He gives a nod.] I will gladly take whatever you have to offer.

[He goes back to get one of the boxes he'd set down as he'd come in, a small white foam box with a dessert made of flaky pastry and nuts nestled inside.]

There's something similar in Thavnair and the Far East. Pastry and nuts with honey syrup.

[By the Twelve, Aymeric stares at Estinien with such adoration that one might easily suspect the Dragoon had hung the very stars. He has vaguely heard of such desserts, but never has he had the pleasure of tasting them. He reaches for the box politely as can be, though his expression never fades from positively dazzled.

Consider any lingering feelings of doubt absolutely destroyed.]

I trust you fetched one for yourself. I can hardly enjoy dessert without you.

Something else, yes, you know I've not as potent a sweet tooth as you.

[He had tried it once, back in Thavnair, but found it far too sugary for his liking. Which of course meant it was perfect for Aymeric. He hands over the first box and picks up the second with his own treat, a simple cake that is honestly more than he'd usually get for himself, but he can have half and push the rest on the other man tomorrow before they leave.]

[Aymeric seems contented enough with that answer. He waits for Estinien to settle with his own treat, before turning his attention to more important matters -- dessert. Given his own culinarian inclinations, he's heard plenty of rumors about proper etiquette when it comes to certain items. He'll simply have to hope that he has the right idea when he takes the baklava between his fingers and turns it upside down to take a bite.

Regardless of whether or not he manages to keep up appearances, he seems fully pleased with the flavor. His eyes flutter shut as he allows the pastry to rest on his tongue, expression one of sheer delight. He finishes it off with considerably less care, far more eager to enjoy the taste than to make a show of it all.]

I... believe you will have to tell me where you collected such a dish. I will need a handful more for the road, once we depart.

[He knew you'd like it. He flashes a brief but pleased smile, that he can still guess these things.]

A bakery a few doors over.

[He's managed about half of his own, and he puts the rest aside. Too much sugar.]

Not that I'd expected to need treats to mollify you, though I'm glad you enjoyed it nonetheless.

That you were thinking of me at all is an honor.

[Sometimes it's just good to know that your bestie thinks about you as much as you think about him. There's nothing better than two guys mutually being pals.]

Next time I will try to ensure that it comes off as nothing more than a good deed, rather than an attempt at bribery. I... apologize for confronting you about this so abruptly.

Tis nothing.

[He says, a little short--but in that sort of way he gets when he's forced to speak too candidly, as if he's had to acknowledge a little too much of his feelings.]

I ought to have been honest with you, though...as you can imagine, tis a difficult thing to bring up in idle conversation.

[By now, Aymeric knows that tone. He won't press the matter -- gratitude has been expressed and acknowledged. Insisting was only liable to ruffle Estinien's feathers further.]

One does not idly speak on their own death. Tis hard enough to mention so much as near-death.

I would not dare to even attempt to withhold an apology for it all. In the end, I can only thank you for choosing not to hide it any further.

IC Inbox (Victory Road)

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